Not all theatres are this pristine.

The majority of theatres are nowhere near as glorious as the above pictured private screening room at the Soho Hotel in London, England. That's why I bring a garbage bag, or two, to sit on. Trust me, it's not weird. Masturbating to Orson Welles at the cinema is weird and does nothing to generate hope in mankind for the Hygiene Hunter. The rhythmic thumping in the seat behind me has stopped, but I don't smell any hand sanitizer.

It's dark inside a theatre. No one will see what you're sitting on. And you won't be sitting on what you can't see. Sanitize armrests or incorporate a workout by hovering your arms above the rests. I never said this was going to be easy.