This is a problem.

The DREADED-AIRPORT-SECURITY-BIN. More specifically, the DREADED-SHOES-IN-THE AIRPORT-SECURITY-BIN. It does not matter if they are yours or mine. The soles are coated in germs, not chocolate. And now, so too is your overstuffed plastic baggie filled with liquids. Soon after, the inside of your bag. Then you touch your mouth without washing your hands. Next thing I know you are sneezing next to me on an airplane:(

To save humanity, you may want to consider placing your shoes directly on the belt.

They heard I was coming.

The Mercer Hotel in New York City prepares for my arrival. They really are the best.

Not so sexy.

Why do they not feature an ashtray like this on Mad Men?

This is what rejection looks like.

One Pillow. Two Pillow. Three Pillow. Four-star Hotel. Five. Remember, I remove pillowcases and pillow protectors and if I see a stain it is, "Hello, Housekeeping ..."

A frightening thought.

Are entrepreneurs, royalty and aliens exempt? Not according to moi.

A poet's turn.

This poem was commissioned by my lovely daughter Alexa. While in the Haight district of San Francisco she met Lynn Gentry a roving-poet-with-typewriter who creates for a donation.

This. I. Like.

FYI, not all trash is bad. Meet the good kind. Trash is the legendary shop for the Rebel Rebel in you. You will find it in New York City's East Village. Unfortunately, you will encounter litter on your way to St. Mark's Place. For which there is no excuse because garbage cans are conveniently located along the streets.

Nice try.

Dude, if you are a performance artist I apologize. If you are not, perhaps you should take advantage of your city's public loos. London installed them for people just like you:) I do give you credit though for disguising yourself as a garbage bag in the hopes your action would go undetected. But not much escapes the Hygiene Hunter.

Bad Things. Day 5.

Relieving yourself in public. Unless you have a furry tale you have no excuse. London responded with street urinals. From the lips of BBC News, "... it is hoped the loos will stop people from urinating against walls and doorways, which can lead to corroded buildings and health hazards." In addition to a corroded reputation.

Bad Things. Day 4.

Picking dead skin off their feet. Right in front of you. Thank you for taking this photo Martha. "Gross" is an excellent description. FYI, this is definitely not Martha to the left of the Foot Picker.

Bad Things. Day 3.

Putting their feet on furniture. I have witnessed this time and time again on airplanes and in airports. Perhaps a Feet-On-Furniture-Fee in the spirit of charges for extra baggage or headphones would be more motivating. And no, I am not sorry for putting that notion out into the universe. Cue diabolical laughter.

Bad Things. Day 2.

Changing your baby on a table in an airport food court. AND, in Canada's capital city. Perhaps Canadians are not that polite after all. Perhaps this woman is not a Canadian. The photo is blurry because I was too excited (BLOG MATERIAL) / stunned (PEOPLE EAT HERE) to focus. The bigger question in this mess of a moment is, "What was I doing in a food court?"

Bad Things. Day 1.

In honor of the return of True Blood Season 3, I am going to focus exclusively on Bad Things People Do. As related to hygiene. Good acts will not be acknowledged this week. Only behavior with no redeeming qualities. Remember, you have a choice. Even vampires have a choice in the HBO world. Good vampires drink Tru Blood. Bad vampires suck your blood. The show's tag "Do Bad Things"does not give you permission to ...

Decision made.

... this unique and sanitary continental breakfast buffet utensil offering at The Tides Hotel in South Beach, Miami? Hit.

A conundrum.

Do I say farewell to South Beach, Miami with this serene photograph of the Atlantic Ocean? Or ...

Allow him.

Meet Francisco Silva. One of The Tides Hotel 's most personable Personal Assistants. Even if I wanted to press the elevator button -- with protection, of course -- I could not because the only thing more automatic than Francisco's magnetic smile was his ability to anticipate my every move and need. He alone is worth a visit to this exemplary hotel in South Beach, Miami. Hit.

Packaging with a conscience.

The Tides Hotel in South Beach, Miami made me feel considerably less guilty drinking bottled water with their biodegradable bottle. Not just recyclable, but a compliment to potato peels destined for your compostor. I was intrigued. So I read the back of the bottle. I will now recite the back label to you -- verbatim. In addition to supernatural hygienic detection powers I also possess a photographic memory. At the very least I can read a photo.

"The bottle you are drinking from is the world's first "truly" biodegradable bottle. It is made from PET, the FDA recognized food grade plastic that traditional plastic water and soft drink bottles are made from, and maintains all of the benefits of plastic bottles; shelf life, oxygen transfer rate, clarity, and the ability to be recycled.

"This bottle is different because the molecular chain has been altered by adding nutrients and other organic compound which makes the plastic "edible" to microscopic organisms found in anaerobic, aerobic and compostable environments."

Ingenious? Or merely an ingenious clinical trial? Hmmmmmm ... what if I wake up tomorrow and find that I am entirely obsessed with cleanliness. Oh, wait ... Hit.

Hygiene never sleeps.

No hygiene lesson today. Simply a dramatic night-time photograph of The Tides Hotel in South Beach, Miami. You can, however, be sure that I, The Hygiene Hunter, was engaged in a purifying ritual while this photograph was being taken. Hit.

Find it before they do.

If you wake up early enough in South Beach, Miami you will be privy to the efforts of the sanitation department. If you wake up early, early enough you can find a condom, fork, lighter before they do. Hit.

Oinkers.

Yes, Nobu is an expensive restaurant. No, this is not an excuse to forage seaside. And it certainly is not an excuse for you to leave your fork in the Atlantic Ocean. Seashells, jellyfish, men with washboard abs have every right to wash up on South Beach, Miami. Your takeout does not. The trash bins all along the beach are here for a reason. Miss.

Nowhere to hide.

The sun excels at exposing imperfections. Enlarged pores, cellulite, dust bunnies. At The Tides in South Beach, Miami there is no room for forgiveness or vampires because all rooms have glorious Atlantic Ocean views along with sunshine for most of the day. This made room inspection easier for me. I am delighted to report I found no dimpling on the sofa cushions, hares or hairs in the closet or lint in my belly button. May I suggest we worship The Housekeeping Department at The Tides instead of The Sun? Yes, The Sun does provide you with Vitamin D, but it will not expertly change your bed linens. Hit.

My room or yours?

I had never before thought of the benefits of having only two hotel rooms on a floor until my stay at The Tides in South Beach, Miami. Obviously, significantly fewer people will be pressing the elevator button to your floor. Unless, of course, the other room is occupied by quindecaplets -- with spouses. Penthouse floors by nature invite pressing in hopes the elevator button works. Save yourself the trouble, it never does. Fear not, I always use finger protection. Hit.

Add this to my Rider.

Another way to win over The Hygiene Hunter is to provide me with my own box of straws. The Tides Hotel in Miami boasts of their attention to guest preferences. Those bragging rights are well earned. Prior to arrival they ask you to complete a questionnaire in an effort to get to know you better so they can make your stay exceptional. It works beautifully. I did not have to touch an elevator button -- even once. Hit.