A safer workout here.

Jellyfish, sunburns and the odd condom aside ... http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/08/08/germiest-places-at-the-gym_n_920649.html?ref=fb&src=sp#s324142&title=Water_Fountains

Decision made.

... this unique and sanitary continental breakfast buffet utensil offering at The Tides Hotel in South Beach, Miami? Hit.

A conundrum.

Do I say farewell to South Beach, Miami with this serene photograph of the Atlantic Ocean? Or ...

Allow him.

Meet Francisco Silva. One of The Tides Hotel 's most personable Personal Assistants. Even if I wanted to press the elevator button -- with protection, of course -- I could not because the only thing more automatic than Francisco's magnetic smile was his ability to anticipate my every move and need. He alone is worth a visit to this exemplary hotel in South Beach, Miami. Hit.

Packaging with a conscience.

The Tides Hotel in South Beach, Miami made me feel considerably less guilty drinking bottled water with their biodegradable bottle. Not just recyclable, but a compliment to potato peels destined for your compostor. I was intrigued. So I read the back of the bottle. I will now recite the back label to you -- verbatim. In addition to supernatural hygienic detection powers I also possess a photographic memory. At the very least I can read a photo.

"The bottle you are drinking from is the world's first "truly" biodegradable bottle. It is made from PET, the FDA recognized food grade plastic that traditional plastic water and soft drink bottles are made from, and maintains all of the benefits of plastic bottles; shelf life, oxygen transfer rate, clarity, and the ability to be recycled.

"This bottle is different because the molecular chain has been altered by adding nutrients and other organic compound which makes the plastic "edible" to microscopic organisms found in anaerobic, aerobic and compostable environments."

Ingenious? Or merely an ingenious clinical trial? Hmmmmmm ... what if I wake up tomorrow and find that I am entirely obsessed with cleanliness. Oh, wait ... Hit.

Hygiene never sleeps.

No hygiene lesson today. Simply a dramatic night-time photograph of The Tides Hotel in South Beach, Miami. You can, however, be sure that I, The Hygiene Hunter, was engaged in a purifying ritual while this photograph was being taken. Hit.

Find it before they do.

If you wake up early enough in South Beach, Miami you will be privy to the efforts of the sanitation department. If you wake up early, early enough you can find a condom, fork, lighter before they do. Hit.

Oinkers.

Yes, Nobu is an expensive restaurant. No, this is not an excuse to forage seaside. And it certainly is not an excuse for you to leave your fork in the Atlantic Ocean. Seashells, jellyfish, men with washboard abs have every right to wash up on South Beach, Miami. Your takeout does not. The trash bins all along the beach are here for a reason. Miss.

Nowhere to hide.

The sun excels at exposing imperfections. Enlarged pores, cellulite, dust bunnies. At The Tides in South Beach, Miami there is no room for forgiveness or vampires because all rooms have glorious Atlantic Ocean views along with sunshine for most of the day. This made room inspection easier for me. I am delighted to report I found no dimpling on the sofa cushions, hares or hairs in the closet or lint in my belly button. May I suggest we worship The Housekeeping Department at The Tides instead of The Sun? Yes, The Sun does provide you with Vitamin D, but it will not expertly change your bed linens. Hit.

My room or yours?

I had never before thought of the benefits of having only two hotel rooms on a floor until my stay at The Tides in South Beach, Miami. Obviously, significantly fewer people will be pressing the elevator button to your floor. Unless, of course, the other room is occupied by quindecaplets -- with spouses. Penthouse floors by nature invite pressing in hopes the elevator button works. Save yourself the trouble, it never does. Fear not, I always use finger protection. Hit.

Add this to my Rider.

Another way to win over The Hygiene Hunter is to provide me with my own box of straws. The Tides Hotel in Miami boasts of their attention to guest preferences. Those bragging rights are well earned. Prior to arrival they ask you to complete a questionnaire in an effort to get to know you better so they can make your stay exceptional. It works beautifully. I did not have to touch an elevator button -- even once. Hit.

Barefoot in Miami.

Dear South Beach:

I have always thought of you as sexy, but never, my apologies in advance, clean. Encountering a used condom on the beach confirmed by Dirty-Sexy Theory. So who-what-where-when-why would make me take my shoes off? Answer. Toothbrushes.

When I was told the former Gianni Versace mansion was under new ownership by Barton G. Weiss and boasted of a new hotel/restaurant The Villa By Barton G my reaction was still meh. (I heard former owners held tawdry parties there.) I was then told Weiss went to extraordinary efforts to restore the mansion to its Glory Days of Gianni. How extraordinary? The mansion's famed tiles were individually scrubbed with toothbrushes. That was all I needed to hear. The next thing I know I am eating Dover Sole off beautiful Versace-Rosenthal china. Which, BTW, was the best fish I have ever eaten. The preparation was perfect in its simplicity. And then, I just had to do it. I needed to run my bare feet over the mansion's legendary Thousand Mosaic Pool. I asked and was given permission to cross the velvet rope to the pool. Off came my shoes. Here and only here.

Love,

The Hygiene Hunter

Lucky dog.

This dog was fetching a stick in the Atlantic Ocean in South Beach, Miami. A stick. Not a condom. Thank goodness. Whether it is a gyro wrapper or a gyro wrapper, you know where it belongs. Repeat after me. IN A TRASH CAN. NOT THE BEACH. This dog is cleared to lick you. You. Not me.

Another smart touch.

Normally I will place hotel towels that are destined for laundry on the bathroom floor. Which makes me say a silent prayer for a laundry process that shows no mercy to 100.1% of germs. Body. Floor. Nausea. The Tides in Miami receives The Hygiene Hunter Feather Duster Award -- wrapped in plastic naturally -- for their plastic-lined towel basket. This is a first encounter of such for me in a hotel. AND I LOVED IT. Clearly, for housekeeping, this is also a much easier and hygienic method of picking up used towels. Hit.

A tidy hotel.

It does payoff to wake up early -- even in South Beach. Had I slept in until 3 p.m. I would have missed the Shampooing of the Terrace Cushions at The Tides in South Beach, Miami. The Tides is all creamy in color and that is a hard look to maintain. Particularly if someone with self-tanner were to sit on the furniture. I know nothing. Hit.

Excuse me. You dropped something.

I am all for being amorous. I am all for being amorous on a beach. I am all for being amorous on a beach with a hot random stranger. I am all for being amorous on a beach with a hot random stranger with a Green Card. I am all for being amorous on a beach with a hot random stranger with a Green Card and a condom. Call me old fashioned, or The Hygiene Hunter, but seriously, you should pick up after yourself. Even if you are on South Beach in Miami. People walk barefoot. Children play in the sand. Dogs seek new chew toys. Miss.

Saving me the trouble.

The Dreaded Beadspread! Typically, I would remove it from the bed and hide it in a nook or cranny OR call housekeeping and ask them to remove it. WHY? I have been told by those in the industry that bedspreads are drycleaned only once to twice a year. Sooooo many hotels have them. The Tides in South Beach, Miami is one that does not. Bravo! WHICH MEANS ... one less thing to concern myself with. The Tides is all about a carefree experience. Even for The Hygiene Hunter. The Egyptian Cotton Sheets are changed daily and are sheer bliss to sleep on. Hit.

Like a bear trap.

The housekeeping staff at The Tides have been caught dusting. No, I did not see them doing so in person, but I know based on the placement of my candles on the dining room table. (Which, BTW, could have gotten away without dusting.) They were misaligned by 13%. Kudos to you. You are the best. Air Kisses from The Hygiene Hunter.

Do not be fooled.

This man swimming off Miami Beach across the street from the majestic Tides Hotel is a Hygiene Hunter Wannabe. Seriously. Now this is taking MY GLOVE THING too far. (This gentleman does, however, get Brownie points for color coordinating with the ocean.) A true Hygiene Hunter knows sea salt is a natural disinfectant.

It was.

Seriously. How could a wicker basket filled with Kleenex not glamour The Hygiene Hunter? Thank you Jose, Personal Assistant Extraordinaire, for your attention to detail. Tissue Party in Room ... Oh, if Howard Hughes were alive.