Friday, November 13, 2009

How I get through life.

Or at least this is how I get through doors. If the survival rate of the H1N1 virus on public surfaces isn't enough to turn you off doorknobs, consider mucus, feces and mayonnaise. That's why I never open a door without protection. FYI, mayo is fattening. For me, protection comes in the form of tissues, plastic baggies or in moments of desperation -- VISA receipts. Sacrificial door openers (family, friends, chivalrous strangers, unwitting strangers who I follow through doors with my perfected door slip) are my preferred methods of getting around the issue altogether.

I would only open a door with my gloved hand in case of emergency. No, a sale at Barney's doesn't qualify. Being chased by a perfume demonstrator almost qualifies. Mainly, I enjoy wearing gloves because they finish off an outfit so nicely. Gloves for the novice offer a false sense of security. Conjure a mental picture of the gloved food worker making a sandwich for you who thinks just because he/she is wearing disposable gloves that it's okay to wipe his/her nose with their gloved hand. Bon Appétit.

2 comments:

  1. I once saw a guy in the mall with a hook attached under his right hand, I assume he used it for opening doors and removing obstructions away from his path.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Yesterday, I was in a public mens room in a restaurant. A man in the cubicle was having the most disgusting bowel movement I've ever heard. He left the cubicle, and without washing his hands, he left the mens room.

    I had to think fast. There was no way I was going to touch the same door handle to get out of the mens room and I wasn't going to wait there for someone to come in and open the door so I could escape. There were no paper towels to open the door with because there were hand driers instead.

    So I acted fast and stuck my foot in the door as it was closing and swung it open with my leg. Hygiene catastrophe averted.

    I was in another mens room today where two people left without washing their hands after disgusting bowel movements.

    Hey people... heed the Hygiene Hunter and stay clear of door knobs!

    ReplyDelete