Friday, November 13, 2009

How I get through life.

Or at least this is how I get through doors. If the survival rate of the H1N1 virus on public surfaces isn't enough to turn you off doorknobs, consider mucus, feces and mayonnaise. That's why I never open a door without protection. FYI, mayo is fattening. For me, protection comes in the form of tissues, plastic baggies or in moments of desperation -- VISA receipts. Sacrificial door openers (family, friends, chivalrous strangers, unwitting strangers who I follow through doors with my perfected door slip) are my preferred methods of getting around the issue altogether.

I would only open a door with my gloved hand in case of emergency. No, a sale at Barney's doesn't qualify. Being chased by a perfume demonstrator almost qualifies. Mainly, I enjoy wearing gloves because they finish off an outfit so nicely. Gloves for the novice offer a false sense of security. Conjure a mental picture of the gloved food worker making a sandwich for you who thinks just because he/she is wearing disposable gloves that it's okay to wipe his/her nose with their gloved hand. Bon Appétit.


  1. I once saw a guy in the mall with a hook attached under his right hand, I assume he used it for opening doors and removing obstructions away from his path.

  2. Yesterday, I was in a public mens room in a restaurant. A man in the cubicle was having the most disgusting bowel movement I've ever heard. He left the cubicle, and without washing his hands, he left the mens room.

    I had to think fast. There was no way I was going to touch the same door handle to get out of the mens room and I wasn't going to wait there for someone to come in and open the door so I could escape. There were no paper towels to open the door with because there were hand driers instead.

    So I acted fast and stuck my foot in the door as it was closing and swung it open with my leg. Hygiene catastrophe averted.

    I was in another mens room today where two people left without washing their hands after disgusting bowel movements.

    Hey people... heed the Hygiene Hunter and stay clear of door knobs!