Not a buffet.

This is a tidy nest outside my window at the Halekulani Hotel. Mother Bird is watchful of her babies.

Better in his mouth than nose.

If I were a famed (or unfamed) chef this would not be the promotional photo I would choose. But that's me. I am not Alan Wong who happens to make the most delicious Loco Moco. Chefs are clearly a different breed than Hygiene Hunters. Walking around with a finger in my mouth -- particularly if it was someone else's -- would be disastrous to my brand. Onward. While eating at Alan Wong's two restaurants (not at the same time) I never once saw Alan do the above. Perhaps because he wasn't there.

Excellent colour choice at Colette.

I really like the staircase at Colette in Paris for a number of reasons. Hygiene Hunter reason number one. The white handrails provide the perfect camouflage for the white tissue I use to avoid direct contact with handrails. Hygiene Hunter reason number two. Sticky jam prints and boogers are more noticeable one white anything. Not that I saw anyone in Colette with a finger up their nose.

Royal Wedding preparations.

Every Royal Wedding watcher should have an extra box of tissue on hand for the union of the century. Remember, it's uncouth to share.

No, you wear them.

I'll never know what this art installation was about unless somebody tells me. I was afraid of catching ear wax.

Look what I found on my airplane pillow.

I must admit this is the worst find to date. I would never even sit on an airplane pillow, let alone rest my head on one. I've seen pillows tossed on the floor. Stepped on. Sneezed on. And I know they are not replaced in between flights.

The Classy Cabin.

Why oh why do people feel the need to put their feet where arms belong? Just another reason to wipe down your armrest. Those shoes did make a few trips to the on board washroom where men do not always hit their mark.

Easter Matcha.

Contains up to 137 times more of the really good for you EGCG antioxidant than steeped green tea and comes with a bunny. Only at Easter. The bunny. Not the Matcha.

More Schrager.

The sarongs are an interesting amenity in the ocean front suite at the Waikiki Edition. They are for guest use while staying here. The same rule applies to sarongs as is does to hotel bathrobes -- if you try to make off with one you will be forced to eat a Hawaiian Spam sandwich. I made that up. The sarongs are laundered between guest use. I did not make that up.

Ian Schrager's Hawaii.

You are unlikely to find this photograph in the promotional material for Ian Schrager's newest venture in partnership with Marriott -- the Waikiki Edition. So allow me to rave. The tiles and grout in the shower of this ocean front suite are Hygiene Hunter approved. As is the rest of the hotel.Of course it helps that the hotel is just over six months old. I'm keeping my rubber-gloved fingers crossed that guests treat this master renovation project with the respect it deserves.

A Halekulani fundraiser For Japan.

This Thursday, the weather alone cannot take credit for the warm feeling you'll experience in Honolulu. For a donation of $95, the Halekulani will treat you to some of the best food on Oahu by three of the island's star chefs. (The evening's menu includes the Halekulani's deservedly famous coconut cake.) The For Japan fundraiser, organized by the hotel, is viewed as a sign of solidarity with a country near and dear to the people of Hawaii. One hundred percent of proceeds from this event will go to the statewide initiative "Aloha for Japan". The event runs from 6:30 p.m. - 8:30 p.m.

Hygiene sells in Hawaii.

I wonder if they named this store in my honour? I have never come across a Hygienic Store before let alone one masquerading as a convenience store.

Seduced by the view.

With a view like this of the Pacific Ocean from my bed at the Halekulani I have no incentive to hunt. Perhaps one of the many birds dropping by my lanai can feed me worms in bed.

Local pH.

If you are going to drink bottled water please make it local. This water boasts of perfect alkalinity. Just another reason we should all move to Hawaii.

On patrol at the Pali Lookout.

I think it's this dude's job to keep Oahu tidy. You can do your part over yonder*.

*This expression should only ever be used when there is a rooster in your presence.

Delicious plastic.

Two ingredients made my Kale Shake perfect at the Halekulani. 1: Hawaiian apple bananas. 2: Plastic wrap. Surprisingly, not every hotel consistently delivers room service items properly protected. The Kale Shake is an ideal breakfast at home and when traveling because it's filled with nutrients. Here's to your health. Two cups of organic kale. Two organic bananas. One cup purified water. Puree. A Vita-Mix is the ideal blender.

One more time for the camera.

Not only does Halekulani employee Aga embody the true aloha spirit of the Hawaiian Islands, he also knows the importance of presenting a straw with the paper wrap in place.

Perfect conditions at Lanikai Beach.

No Lifeguard. No facilities. No fresh water. This combination makes the exceptionally beautiful Lanikai Beach on Oahu less attractive to people. Making this beach one of cleanest on the island. You know where to find me.

Clean all over at the Halekulani.

As the Halekulani Hotel is under Japanese ownership it is befitting that even one's privates receive extra special attention.

Poolside thoughts at the Halekulani.

I often get asked what it's like to be me. Well let's go on a 'Tour of my Mind' at the Halekulani's immaculate fresh water swimming pool to find out. I see a beautiful mosaic orchid in the water. I see a person swimming towards the beautiful mosaic orchid in the water. The end. Really. This is the hang loose island isn't it? If this, on the other hand, were a swim-up pool bar I would have significantly more thoughts starting with the colour changing ability of the water. It's so much fun being me:)